Yesterday I attended my first CBT session.  I didn't sleep very well the night before, my mind kept racing and I found it near impossible to switch off.  Martha had another rough night with her teeth so finally exhaustion set in and I recall dropping off around 0500.

 

I wasn't sure what to expect either from the treatment or what the Dr would be like (the Dr who initially assessed me reminded me of an old high school teacher, peering over the rims of his glasses).  My Dr ran late with his previous client (not patient - this is obviously what happens in private medicine!).  He greeted me jovially, shook my hand and introduced himself - I knew instantly that I was going to be ok with him.

 

He asked me to describe what had happened but I didn't need to go into full details which made it a bit easier.  We talked for about 30 minutes and then he took me through a treatment called E.M.D.R which basically forces my brain into REM (but I didn't fall asleep).  I was asked to picture the scenes, hear the noises, feel the emotions that have been causing me to be in this "loop", I then focused on lights moving along a bar left to right, beeps in my ears and vibrations pad in my palms.  It all sounds very strange, and it was but, something seemed to be happening.  I felt better than I had done in over 15 months and I truly hope that this will be the turning point I so desprately want to bring my life back to it's own sense of normality.  I've pasted a link above if anyone (I don't know how many people actually read this!!) wants to learn more.

 

We picked Peter up from the airport at 1730 and went out for our tea at Murgatroyds which was yummy.  The girls behaved very well until ice-cream appeared and Martha screamed every time she finished a mouth full and we weren't not ready with another spoonful!  Lauren was tired and declared "home-time" by getting off her chair, putting coat and wellies on and starting to walk out!  Once she's ready to leave, she leaves - something we'll have to keep an eye on when we're out!

 

Today, we've made some Easter Chick Nests for Lauren to take to Playgroup (photos in March Album).  She has been asking to make cakes to take in for weeks and this seemed like a nice and easy option.

 

Peter only had 1 job on so was home at lunch, we plan on spending the afternoon outdoors in the lovely sunshine, starting to make headway in turning the land around the house from a building site to garden, with my rockery as the main feature).  This is my plan for the Spring/Summer period.

 

I'm going out tonight for my leaving meal with my old work colleagues, although a few can't make it which is a shame - I'm really looking forward to seeing them and bringing this part of my life to a (albeit perhaps temporary) close.  I will do my best to stay in touch with the few good friends I've made there though.

 

 

Peter has just flown off to the Isle of Man until Tuesday.  These last couple of weeks have been really tough all round.  He arrived home about 1830 on Friday, we spent most of Saturday doing his week load of laundry ready to go again and Peter completed his paperwork for the office.  This morning, Peter packed his bag again and around 1450 we got a fright when he re-read his flight coupon and realised that the time had altered from his last flight!  With 50 minutes to get from home to the airport before check-in closed, it was a mad dash and I'm glad Peter drove.  There was a massive traffic jam trying to get into Leeds/Bradford Airport, so he leapt out the car and decided to grab his bag and make a run for it and nearly got run over in his panic!  It was very frightening to see.  Once I knew he was safe and checked through, I took the girls to the viewing site near the airport, which overlooks the end of the runway, to see his flight take off 25 minutes later.  Lauren was going crazy with excitement seeing all the aeroplanes land and take-off, but waved especially enthusiastically when Peter's little aeroplane made it's appearance.

 

I made spaghetti bolognese for out tea and Martha did the best by clearing her place, Lauren took 2nd place and I took last place - this cold is really putting me off my food and doesn't set a good example for the girls!  I rewarded their good eating with some Chocolate Angel Delight, which I've not tried for years - both of them loved it!  Quite a handy dessert to keep in the cupboard for an emergency.

 

STOP PRESS!  Forgot to mention at the top but Martha pulled herself up to standing position yesterday afternoon!!  Took us all by surprise!

 

Getting Lauren to ready for bed tonight:-

 

Me:  I bet Lauren is a tired girl, you've had a busy day

Lauren:  No

Me:  Well, I'm a tired girl

Lauren:  (pointed her little finger at me) not tired, you're Mummy

 

Hurrah!  Peter returned home today.  It has been the longest time spent away from the girls and I think he has found it harder than we have.  We've really missed him but we've been busy doing our regular routine whereas Peter has been on the whole by himself in B&B's.  He has seen a massive change in Martha over the past 5 days, the most notable is she has said (and keeps saying!) her first word "hiya".  During the course of the week, she has also started clapping which when accompanied by her laughing is a joy to watch.  Her posture has strengthed this week and she is sitting up stronger, I'm sure her crawling has sped up also!

 

This morning we went on our weekly visit to Pateley Bridge and were delighted to be accompanied by Lauren and Martha's Great, Great Auntie Joyce.  She enjoyed spending time with the girls and in the afternoon she, Lauren & I had fun making Viennesse Fingers.  They didn't turn out just like the picture as I didn't have the recommended piping flute, so we had to make do with piped stars stripes!  They are the perfect size for little fingers and mouths but we did join a few together to make nice fat ones for the adults!! Lauren has been a very good girl this week and collected a lot of reward stickers for which she traded for an Easter Bonnet and spring topped animal pencil.

 

 

What a brilliant day!  The sun was shining when Lauren woke me up and I felt very happy - even though it was 0600hrs and I'd only had an hours sleep due to Martha's teething!.  I am sure that my underactive thyroid tablets are starting to work - it feels like I've been plugged into the mains and recharged after months left in a drawer!!!  Harnessing my newfound energy, I sorted out the computer desk and dusted everywhere (which was pretty shameful!).  My friend, Louise, her daughters and mum came over late morning.  It was nice to see them as we've not met up since before Christmas!  We were due Lauren and Abigail on the same day and met at antenatal classes.  Louise had her 2nd daughter about 8 weeks after Martha's arrival so I expect that Martha and Breeana will become friends also.  During their visit, I recieved a phone call from the clinic in Harrogate advising that my CBT sessions are able to commence from next Tuesday - I'm so happy that there is hopefully an end in sight to the whole nightmare.

 

After naps, we got packed up and went to pick up our friend Kath and headed to RHS Harlow Carr Gardens as they had a free open day (saving us £6 each!).  It was lovely to walk around the beautiful gardens and I picked up a lot of inspiration from the alpine/rockery section.  I'd really like to get the outside sorted but need to get the groundwork completed first, which involves the use of the tractors so not a job I can do easily on my own with the girls!! Once it's done however, I have a very clear image of what I am going to achieve and am feeling excited at seeing the end result.  After walking for a couple of hours, we headed to Betty Tearooms with the girls for hot chocolate, mocha chocolate, milk and water, accompanied by tart au citron, marzipan/sponge chick, chocolate ganache bunny and butter teddy bear biscuit.  We all left very full, and very, very happy!  The girls behaved wonderfully and were showered with attention from staff and customers alike.

 

We miss Peter terribly whilst he is working away this week - we hope you are enjoying Bournemouth Peter xxxx

 

EDIT:  Just read comment from 19th March entry - fabulous!!  How annoying are strangers?!? My not witty but incredibly rude response would have been "and you need a sock/fist/gobstopper (delete as appropriate based on annoyance level) in that (whilst pointing their big ugly mouth!)"

 

 

I've had probably the most productive few days for years.  The house is clean, tidy and organised  - bonus, in every room!  Usually I have to contend with our bedroom being the dumping ground and the rest of the house being ok but now I can sleep soundly in a relaxed bedroom.  It's amazing how much better I feel mentally for it.  Whenever I feel stressed or anxious I find tidying up helps me and now it's (hopefully!) going to be a maintenance task (as everything has a place) I can be proactive rather than reactive with it.

 

On Saturday, I went through to York, whilst Peter stayed at home with the girls, and celebrated our friend Hamishs' birthday at Maxi's.  I really enjoyed having a night out.  It was great fun and the food and service were excellent.

 

I had a lovely Mothering Sunday.  I had a nice lie in until about 0900 then Peter took care of the girls all day and I didn't have to change a single nappy or break up fights!  Peter made us all a lovely big breakfast/brunch and later that night he prepared and cooked a full Sunday roast.  It was so lovely to enjoy a meal that I haven't prepared myself!

 

Today, I visited my friend Demelza.  She used to childmind Lauren with her mum until last Summer.  I have always enjoyed her company and Lauren and one of her son's Ben were great friends.  Ben attends Playgroup the same days as Lauren so it's lovely for them to be reacquainted.  She has another son a few months older than Martha and I hope in time they can become friends as well.  She and her husband are farmers and Lauren loves spending time on the farm, especially at this time of year for the lambing.  As I'm not pregnant for the first time in nearly 3 seasons, I hope we'll be spending a lot of time there helping them out.

 

This afternoon, we drove through to Morrisons in Ripon trying to dodge the snowstorms on route to stock up on bits and bobs.  The girls were so well behaved and kept hugging and kissing (or dribbling in Martha's case!) each other.  It was a joy to shop with them today, however someone still had to say "oh you've got your hands full".  I wouldn't change them for the world.

Another crazy week!  The Building Inspector is coming today so I've spent the week making sure everything is finished off and neat and tidy for his visit.  It's amazing how much better I feel for having the house clean and tidy - "a tidy house is a tidy mind" in my book!  I enjoyed a night out with my best friends Sharon & Penny last night.  I really cherish the time I spend with them and always feel so much more positive for it.

 

Yesterday after dropping Lauren off at playgroup, Martha and I ventured into Ripon for a few bits that I can't get in the village.  BIG MISTAKE!!  I forgot how busy it was on market days and it took me over 10 minutes to park which is a lot considering I only had just over an hour before I had to leave to collect Lauren again.  One of my favourite "bargain" shops is closing down (not sure if it's permanent or just one of these "stock changeover closures!), and everyone in Ripon it seemed had descended on it.  There were boxes of stock cluttering the already narrow aisles and Martha & I got stuck with the pushchair a few times and I was frustrated when I found the clothes prop I was searching for was outside - aarrggh!  I handed over my £2 to the cashier from the pavement and it was so easy - wish I'd seen them first!!

 

I made my traditional trip to Home Bargains which I love as it's so cheap for toiletries and cleaning items.  I bought a pop up frog bin (with a lid) which Lauren loves feeding the dirty laundry to (£2.49!). I bought some "exotic dried flowers" for £1.99, a few metal cutlery sets for Lauren (99p) and a few face cloths (29p!).

 

Hurrah for cheap shops!!!!

Peter had his wisdom tooth extracted yesterday - ouch!  Lauren and Martha have the cold and Martha is struggling even more getting her first tooth/teeth through.  I have the first signs of the cold but apart from that the sun is shining, the birds are singing and we have nice things to eat!

 

Naps were all off yesterday so we took our weekly trip to the village in the afternoon instead of the morning and it was blissfully quiet.  I managed to get to Elliots and have a nice conversation with him and Jo.  They said they'd been very busy in the morning which was great to hear as it's always a bit concerning in a small village when trade tails off.  We bought some beautiful bread and soft rolls, together with some lovely fresh veg and cheese.  Things went a bit pearshaped when I came home and started to cook dinner.  I tried a new recipe (Chicken and Bacon casserole) and realised it may only take 45m/1hr to cook but it took about the same to prepare all the veg!  I've now made a note in the book to remind me how long it actually takes!!  When it was finished it was very tasty and as there is so much stock/sauce, I think I'll use it as a base for lentil soup.  With us all having the cold, I think this is just what is required!

Peter was on call today and it was nice to have him at home, especially as the girls have the cold yet again!  He took Lauren down to playgroup whilst I stayed and looked after Martha.  I volunteered to be on the washing up rota at playgroup and today was my turn.  I went down 30 minutes early to complete the task (I didn't realise how big a job it was 45 mins later!).  I tried to go into the hall without Lauren seeing me and had it all planned out.  She was playing with the scooters etc at the end of the hall behind a partition so I crossed the hall into an annexe room where the kitchen is located.  (If you imagine the layout, there are 2 rooms side by side seperated by big wood/glass doors with a kitchen at the end of one side.)  I managed to get down the room towards the kitchen where at the very last window, something caught my eyes/ears - Lauren beaming up, shouting "it's Mummy!".  She carried on playing to my delight when I saw the 25 or so cups, plates, bowls in front of me.  They'd baked shortbread today, so there were baking trays, rolling pins, mixing bowls and cutters galore!! 

 

They have a really sensible and safe system in place for parents to collect children.  The children are all prepared to leave (coats on, bags collected) and are taken into the other hall (where the kitchen in) whilst parents come into the other hall (there is a very small porch and the hall opens out very close to the main road.  Each child is taken out in turn when their parent arrives.  Anyway, as Lauren came into the "waiting hall"  she came to the gate and shouted "hello Mummy" whilst doing very fast star jumps, it was very funny!  In that split moment, she seemed to grow up in front of my very eyes.

 

Yesterday, she had a little tap on her bottom (through her nappy) as she scratched, nipped and attempted to bite me.  It certainly wasn't hard enough to hurt.  We had the usual tantrum tears then she very quietly sat down on the settee next to Martha & I with her pretend mobile phone.  I heard the keys being pressed then Lauren saying "hello Police?  Big fright from Mummy"  she then passed me the phone "talk you Mummy" I had to explain what had happened to the pretend Police and Lauren took the phone back "bye Police, thank you".  I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or panic!!  I don't think I'll be tapping her bottom again!

We've had a nice productive weekend. On Saturday, Peter took a drive over to our other house to look at the roof, where sadly he discovered a couple of slates have dropped, allowing water to get in.  This will hopefully be repaired next week and I hope it doesn't pour too much but at the moment, it's not looking hopeful!  Whilst he was there, Lauren & I busied ourselves getting the house really cleaned and ordered.  It was lovely to be able to relax all weekend in a relatively calm and ordered home!

 

On Sunday, a family friend came up with his digger and we were able to put it to good use repairing the lane, clearing out the cattle grid of about 6ft of mud, stones and yuk, and digging out Peter's dads' pond (or rather lake looking at the size of the whole!!)  Lauren and I pushed Martha in the pushchair the mile or so down the lane with Harry following in hot pursuit.  We then set about using pickaxes, brooms and shovels to prepare the potholes for filling!  It was hard, physical work and I was very proud at how well behaved and helpful Lauren and Martha were.  We then got a lift back home in the bucket of Peter's tractor which was great fun and we were all holding onto each other very tightly, while Peter drove very, very slowly!  I was very glad of the lift when next door's scary biting dogs chased the tractor.  I am very nervous about walking around the place, especially with the girls, when the dogs are out.  I don't know what I'd do, I may have to start walking with a big stick or better still a cattle prod!!!  I'm sure these dogs are the ones that attacked Harry a few weeks ago, as they attacked the other neighbours dog too.  What can you do?!?  The fencing that both we and they have erected seems to be of little use although I have suspicion that's it not the fence that's keeping them IN that's the issue, it's the person that's letting them OUT!  Anyway enough of my ranting...

 

On Sunday, the girls got dressed up and we drove to Doncaster to see Nana and Granda.  It was lovely to see them and we were very pleased to see Auntie Doreen, Uncle Paul, Auntie Jan, Jeff, Uncle Jeff, Natalie and Lewis too!  They were all very taken with the girls and Lewis did a wonderful job of entertaining and holding a very wriggly Martha!  Lauren & I admired Granda's new chairlift and were excited when he gave us a demonstration.  We left just after it started to pour down for a very soggy drive home.

 

Sending virtual hugs to Juliewho is returning to work tomorrow after maternity leave - be strong Julie XXXXX